Mmacdonald95's Journals

FUCT for life

I canâ�™t stand writing when Iâ�™m pissed offâ�¦ I tend to rant and make no senseâ�¦ and itâ�™s not a good rant eitherâ�¦ itâ�™s fucked upâ�¦ I feel so left outâ�¦ and I wanna screamâ�¦

It's better to say nothing at all...

Sometimes saying absolutly nothing is enough...

You can take me high and low but I never seem to stand on my own...

How is it that no matter what I do I can always find something wrong?

Ruby love and some saucy attitudeâ�¦

Hair Update: I changed my hair againâ�¦

I got it profeshâ�¦ and I loves itâ�¦ I kind of went in and said, â�œFix itâ�¦ look at the mess that I have done to my hair.â� She laughed and 153.00$ (4 hrs) laterâ�¦ I got a treatment, cut, highlights, colour, and style doneâ�¦ Picture update laterâ�¦

Life Update: Only if words could some it up how crazy this last week has beenâ�¦ itâ�™s been ridiculousâ�¦ I â�œBlame it on bad luckâ� or the lack of snow pantsâ�¦

Friends Update: I love Liisa (everything about her especially her awesomeness storiesâ�¦) I care so more for Jaime (canâ�™t wait for our friendship tatâ�¦ 17 years of friendship was savedâ�¦ The lie that I thought would break us feels like it made us strongerâ�¦)

Family Update: My cousin Chris has been saved and I am so proud of him, Chrisâ�™s baby it a gift and that kid is way too cute for his own good, my home boy Ug if my soul, Jerk-face Jason is my personal tech. man and without him Iâ�™d have no laptop, digital camera, iriver, and coherent life. My parentsâ�¦ I am so glad they are my parentsâ�¦ I am glad they chose me to be their daughterâ�¦ I may not say it very often and although they donâ�™t support most of what I doâ�¦ I know whyâ�¦ they just want the best for me... and they have always been there when I am stuck in a rutâ�¦

Music Update: I have been really into the Plain white tâ�™s lately. I also just purchased the Marianas Trench album (Fix me) (Canadian at its best in my opinion) I predict to see a lot of themâ�¦ or at least I hope we doâ�¦ Lily Allen is awesomeâ�¦ And of course like always I am in love with the new Nas albumâ�¦ you must love this manâ�¦ he is the epitome of splendid musicâ�¦ Oh and just so I donâ�™t feel bad later onâ�¦ The new FOB album has not left my CD player and is my #1 play list on my laptop and iriverâ�¦ They are fobulous, but thatâ�™s inevitableâ�¦

So thatâ�™s all for now holmesâ�¦

See you all on the flip side of this weekâ�¦ and maybe next will shine happy colours or better luckâ�¦

RMCKâ�¦

p.s. spell check is permenantly broken due to brain failure... call my lawyer if it is too hard to bear... it's toll free 1-800-GET-A-CLUE or you can e-mail us at byeapersonaleditor@hotmail.com

Solely left for the helpless and wondrousâ�¦

So this is why it has come to thisâ�¦ itâ�™s like an obsessionâ�¦ only this time I am prone and I can only hope that things go rightâ�¦ worst way to make something stay away is to actually go awayâ�¦ because when you come back most of the time itâ�™s still there only more pissed off then beforeâ�¦ The secretâ�™s out and the best part is that she accepted itâ�¦ we opened up and it was all greatâ�¦ I had taken her for s suckerâ�¦ and she proved me wrongâ�¦ we are still getting our tattoo and she didnâ�™t smack me she hugged me insteadâ�¦ Itâ�™s undeniableâ�¦ our friendship that isâ�¦ she can forgive and forget for something that I would have considered being crazy hugeâ�¦ thanks and you are the shiznitâ�¦ There is no conciliation price but that I will always be there for youâ�¦ and that I hope next time you feel okay enough to tell me thingsâ�¦ no matter how big or painful they areâ�¦ we both know I can keep a secret now you need to trust that I wont let you downâ�¦ I love what we had and love what is presentâ�¦ we may not always see eye to eyeâ�¦ but sometimes itâ�™s okay to agree to disagreeâ�¦ itâ�™s what makes our world go roundâ�¦

Much loveâ�¦

RMCK

Two in one dayâ�¦ Means I am bored out of my mind or that I am just that lowâ�¦

From the up and down, to side left and right, these are the days of our lives. That is just the way they goâ�¦ Iâ�™m going to break it down for you. When itâ�™s all sa(i)d and done who will be there left standing to see you off. Not that I am planning on offing any of you any time soon. But, I have been starting to think about the people around me and how bad I need to just get. I had a dream the other night that I just got up and quit my job. I bought a bus ticket to New York (because I could never fly) and went skating out side on a rink. The rink resembled the one in the movie serendipity with john cusac. I wish I had the nerve to actually do that in reality. If you are interested in convincing yourself to come with me, let me know, I sure could use the company. No planning required, no money, just a little drive, an imagination, and maybe a visa card with a limit as high as they (the banks) will let you goâ�¦ Then a whole lot of funâ�¦

ByForNow homesâ�¦

RMCK

As crucial as only time allows...

As crucial as only time allows

This is why when said that I need to get over it, I sadly take the criticism and hang my head in shame. I canâ�™t try anymore. Even if I havenâ�™t given enough, more and more I need to give it up. But they said that failure is not an optionâ�¦ Hell noâ�¦. not an option of yours but definitely one of mine. I couldnâ�™t tell the time when it all happened but it did and now, for one reason or another, itâ�™s irreversibleâ�¦ Inevitably, I have let it slip through my fingersâ�¦ I am starting to think you have figured me out and now your have given up on it too. I am just asking (begging) that you donâ�™t. The vanity is all a shameâ�¦ This facade that had been created caused me to hide. Now, I am finding it harder to break free. I can say that I have lied to people I love, but I canâ�™t tell them the truthâ�¦ I only make more excusesâ�¦ I think it may have happened when I realized how boring and beige life isâ�¦ or just mineâ�¦ When I say, â�œas crucial as only time allows us to beâ�, I am trying to make you see that what I say to you daily may not be truth but maybe thatâ�™s who I am meant to be. Not by fate, but by choiceâ�¦ if you know what I meanâ�¦ Today, I had my evaluation at work and I received straight 2â�™s which is 1 down from perfection (1)â�¦ I received one 3 which stated that I lacked in social interaction with the other people at my office that I donâ�™t necessarily work withâ�¦ How does that matter? I feel that everything that happened then is what makes me the way I am todayâ�¦ I remember I used be so sureâ�¦ I had it all figured out and I lost itâ�¦ Thatâ�™s too much like meâ�¦ You lose something so importantâ�¦ Forget it like yesterdays box office hit. Itâ�™s like I was smashed on the head with one massive reality checkâ�¦ They said with age comes wisdomâ�¦ but all I have encountered is confusionâ�¦ I keep on telling myself that I am not only the one. However, I am finding it less and less easier to find someone like meâ�¦ I am continuously changing and living in charcoal fantasies seems to be getting oldâ�¦ Almost routineâ�¦ I canâ�™t wait most of the time to be aloneâ�¦ But itâ�™s also one o my greatest fears of allâ�¦ Solitudeâ�¦

Sounds like Shangri-La without the bed of roses and with castles in the air

â�œPictures are a paper document that says I was here and I existed, someone cared enough about me to take my pictureâ�¦ You donâ�™t see very many pictures of the everyday things that make up our everyday livesâ�¦ people donâ�™t take pictures like thatâ�¦ but they should.â� She muttered fixing her crocheted hat and reloading her camera.

For your eyes only....

The Cycle for some cash and a comic stash of a whole lot of laughter... lets call it a night...

If you like foreign dreams, you might want to cast a spell and say a prayer

For once itâ�™s like a tornado impact and itâ�™s the irony that you canâ�™t really graspâ�¦

I never once said I was right but I know Iâ�™m not wrongâ�¦

For now I can still stand here and pretend not to have a problemâ�¦

But I predict, if you may, that I am most definitely a train wreck just waiting to happen.

Closely pinned between scrap walls, fake promises, and useless attempts to stand tall next to you...

I am not complaining just thinking out loud. And I thought you should know...

The grave Iâ�™ve dug has led me hereâ�¦ this is something I have created...

It's some masterpiece; I can honestly say that...

Something that one day soon (I hope) I could change

I can't say that you still believe the stories... they were out of this world...

I assure you I do not mistaken you for a fool...

I know that you probably know already... but here is as close as it's going to get...

With helps from loyal and the faithful (yes two very different things) I will come cleanâ�¦

thank you!

(I hope you can forgive meâ�¦ because I am sorry)

RMCK

(Formerly known as Mel currently a maniac)

This is to hoping you don't have a buzznet account and never get a chance to read this...

Here's to praying you do, so that I can sleep better knowing you still love me even

though I am a sucker and one big ass mother fucker...

p.s. spelling and grammar sucks and so do I... if there are errors it's expected, so get over yourself and live with it...

This was writen when I was like 11 or 12 because... i remember Chowcheese helped with this one...

You Will.................................

Our hopes could be so impossible

Life may seem so unlivable

But happiness is just around the corner

Times when youâ�™re all alone

With no one to call your own

Open your heart and smile

When youâ�™re feeling down and blue

Good things shall always come to you

I sure better days will come you way

Prey to the god most highest

Help to all the greatest

Might that is with in you

Keep your faith in tact

Think before you act

I know you will succeed

When life is full of disaster

Love will heal it must faster

Lonely days and nights will be gone forever

So when you need a helping hand

I'll be there for you

Just believe in your self

I bet you'd make a better tomorrow

And I want you to know that no matter where you go

I'll be there helping you and guiding you always to win

I wanna see you reach your highest

Iâ�™ll become your only

You are the best that you can be

Because I'm sure you will succeed

No I know you will succeed

Oh you will

Why itâ�™s hard to over come rejection?

Hey I wrote this in like grade 8 or somethingâ�¦ I think it's good for somehting I wrote when I was like 14 yrs. oldâ�¦ spelling it terrible as always (but it's exp(acc)ec(p)ted)â�¦ but the point I am trying to get across is a good oneâ�¦ I like itâ�¦ let me know what you thinkâ�¦ or donâ�™tâ�¦ whatevesâ�¦ itâ�™s not like I care what you think anywayâ�¦ HA!

Why itâ�™s hard to over come rejection?

Society is always afraid of what the next person thinks. We seem to be influenced by what we see and hear. This then causes us to think. It makes us want to seem â�œgoodâ� in everyoneâ�™s eyes. If you ask somebody â�œDo you care what people think about you?â� they are going to most likely lie and say no. Why? Because they donâ�™t want you to think less of them. They donâ�™t want you to think that they are insecure. But in reality everyone is insecure in one-way or another and even if you lie flat out there are characteristics that show in your personality. For example when I ask my friends that question they say, â�œNo, if someone doesnâ�™t like me for me then they are missing out.â� But then when my friend wears a particular outfit and someone comments about it negatively they will either never wear it again or be conscious about it all day and constantly ask you on how they look. Well, if you donâ�™t care stop asking.

Iâ�™ve covered appearances so now I am going to talk about personality. When you are sitting with your friends your speech, body language, likes and dislikes are different. When I am at home it seems to be all superficial conversation and at school itâ�™s all excitement. This isnâ�™t the case for all people itâ�™s just my example. Right now in the teen society the most popular music is the punky, heavy metal stuff. So majority of people are all of a sudden loving it and becoming â�œpunkâ�. Example a friend of mine used to be a rap know it all and she was what youâ�™d call â�œprepâ�. Why? Because that was the in thing and she wanted to be accepted. Now you wouldnâ�™t even recognize the girl we once knew as the blond hair â�œprepâ� because she walks around with black spiked hair, Avril tie, and knickers. Thus proving that we all care what others think so we can be liked.

The fear of humiliation or embarrassment is another strong proof that everyone cares what others think. Here is where we trick those who are in denial with their insecurity by asking them if theyâ�™d ever been embarrassed or humiliated before. What did my friends say? Yes they had all felt that way before. When I then asked them why were they embarrassed they were speechless. They realized the reason for this was that they cared of what the other person thought.

After going through school and listening to endless stories about crushes on guys and girls Iâ�™ve come to notices that even though we say we like that person we donâ�™t seem to do anything about it. I thought of some reason why I donâ�™t and I came up with shy, nervous, and afraid of rejection. All of these have to do with how that person is going to react to you. What if he laughs at me? One of my friends asked me. I donâ�™t knowâ�¦ does it matter? Yes, it hurts ones feelings. Rejection from a crush can make some one think twice about them selves. My friend said that she didnâ�™t interpret her problem as being afraid of rejection she said it was the fear that he might make a big deal about it. Make her feel stupid for asking him. Maybe tell all of his friends and make a mockery out of her. Then I asked would it hurt her feelings and she agreed. So wouldnâ�™t it be a fear of rejection that he didnâ�™t feel the same about you and she caved.

Being afraid of rejection isnâ�™t a â�œbadâ� thing it is a normal thing that everyone goes through. When you say you donâ�™t care of rejection you are lying not only to everyone but also to yourself. The one key to the door to escape the sadness of humiliation, embarrassed, and rejection is to accept it. Once you realize that you canâ�™t please everyone and learn to grow from peopleâ�™s criticism then you can really say the fear of rejection is not an issue for you. And when you learn how to accept it, let us (me) know how.